The Loveless Romance.

by - 8:05 PM

I have a confession to make. Me and Jesus kinda broke up.

It's not that I don't love him, I do. And I love what we have together, but I can't honestly say I don't cringe a bit when He enters the room. I avoid talking to him except when I absolutely have to. Certain worship songs get skipped. Scripture reading sticks to the practical passages. Sure we may live together but we are pretty much just roommates anymore. The passion isn't just gone, it has turned into mistrust and fear. 

In short, I Love Him; but I'm not "in love" with Him. 

I've been avoiding even thinking about our relationship lately just because I couldn't deal with the pain of what is going on. But I think it's time I was open and honest with everyone. Especially myself. 

Here is the heart wrenching truth. Jesus may not be dead, but He is to me.

First off, I should mention that there is a peripheral issue. I have heard it said many times that the relationship that you have with the Church and with God is shaped and colored by the relationship you have with your Mother and Father respectively. And those earthly relationships have been more than shattered. Especially the already tenuous and fragile relationship I had with my Father. 

It would be a lie to feign that I have been not wounded; that my spirit is not grieved. And fair or not it echoes in my other relationships. This, however, is not the only brokenness that has soured our love and left me a widow.  This was just the issue that instigated the bigger problem, and there is definitely a bigger problem. 

You see, I've been seeing another man.

Like a lot of women I have had more than one husband, so to speak. And my first husband was terribly abusive. 

We grew up together in a small town, My parents adored him and my friends thought he was "just the best". he was rich and powerful, Not only that, he looked like all the best people. 
You know the type, We all do. 
I was so dedicated, so in love. I knew I didn't deserve him, and so did he. And he didn't let me forget it. That should have been my first warning sign. 

Things in that first marriage started off nice. he brought me flowers, he took me to nice places, he introduced me to all his rich white friends (and even a rare few of different color). he was the perfect gentlemen. He often reminded me that he was "the most morally upright, superior, and praiseworthy man around", and how could that not be true, everyone I knew agreed. And sure he was a bit obsessed with having kids, but this just made me love him even more.

Then things took a turn. I started noticing how he treated those "beneath him". (which was everyone) I convinced myself that this was a good thing, because how could it not be, if he was the most righteous then I must be mistaken. 

Then he started deciding who I could and could not see. I allowed it. 
Then he decided what I could and could not hear. This made sense. I wouldn't want bad advice after all.
Then he decided what I should read, what I should eat, what I should drink, what I should wear. All this I took as further proof he cared. 
Then he began to scold me for being barren. This tore me up, but I knew deep inside it was my fault. 
Then he began to scold me for caring for those who weren't his friends. Even this I went along with. 
The verbal abuse and manipulation were constant. I would have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat sure that I had earned his wrath. I was terrified that I would mess up.
I thought for sure I could not be more miserable, and that I deserved every moment of it. 
But I was wrong, things got worse. 
he began to look for the things he hated in me. And he would always find them. 
he kept a running list of all my faults and the faults of those I loved but shouldn't.
he would compare them day in and day out looking for a reason to leave and eventually I realized he was only with me because he had signed a contract. 
I had prayed our marriage license into existence and he had to sign it.
Not because he wanted me, but because that was his job. 

It was this man, who never really loved me, that I have been seeing. 

He came back into town and sat down at the table, there next to my parents, as they condemned me and told me I was going to hell. 
He sat there and smiled. He wanted me back 
He watched as I cried myself to sleep over love lost and love never found. 
He crawled into bed next to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, cold and rigid and comfortless. 
He moved into my spare room and came to me time after time. 
He was the abuser coming to take back what he believed was his but never really wanted. 
He came to me. And in my weakness I couldn't fight him off. 
In my fear and pain, I let him back in to my life. 

I wish I could have stopped him but some things are more than one woman can do on her own. 

I have been seeing him less and less but I can't deny he is still hanging around. Still causing problems for my current relationship. 

In my guilt and shame, in my fear of being used again I have shut out the wonderful man who picked up the pieces from my divorce. I find it hard to trust Him right now. That is the painful truth. 
It's not that He has ever given me reason not too. I just can't. So up till now we have been kinda broken up. 
Always the tender lover, He has understood and stepped away. I see Him when I can, When I need Him, He holds me, until the fear creeps up again and I have to run away. He doesn't scold me for running, He doesn't chase me unless I want Him too. 
We have started working together again, on our Big Project, The Kingdom. It's easier to just be with Him like that. To see Him caring for others, even if I can't take Him caring for me right now.
I know we will get there. We will be okay again
He may have been dead to me, but that's what makes Him special, He doesn't stay that way. He never does. He always comes back. As soon as you can let Him in, He comes back. 

This is where I am. A woman stuck between two men named Jesus. 
Walking away again from a Loveless Romance, to a Passionate Grace.


For those of you who may have known my ex. 
I know how hard it is to trust again. 
Please know that the real Love is still waiting, always ready, 
As soon as you can let Him. He will come back. 
He loves you no less for your pain. 
He isn't waiting to blame you. 
Just to Love you. 

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